Sitting here in my boxers..just thinking about my past & the present & the future.

Its been a while since I've written here, but its best I do write in here for now. My secrets will be safe with me..right?

Well last entry was about me & this girl Trinity. That relationship was quickly ignited at the same time quickly burned out.

I dont talk to Michelle anymore. Neither Trinity. I dated a korean girl Sally..but I wasn't really into her as I thought. It was just an illusion I always put myself in. The feeling of wanting to feel loved..but selfishly. So I dumped her because I knew I would hurt her either way.

Then came along Isha. I met her through brother is a fucking liar. Long story short..she is his half-sister. Shes phillipino & was raised in the phillipines all her life. Its a long-distance relationship. Our first month together was a hassle because I was happy but inside I felt like shit because I knew there was stuff she was hiding from me but never had the evidence in my hand to prove it to her. The only thing I could do during those weeks was to hold it in..hoping something will come along where I can say "HEY..YOU LIED TO ME." I guess i always expected to be lied to or betrayed..and she did. First time she lied to me about where she was born. She swore she would never lie to me again. Second time I found out she lied about her whole lifestyle. Where she lived..what school she was going to..what she was really doing..etc. When I was about to lose hope in her..when I was actually dying in the inside, I gave it another shot. I don't know if I should or not..but I gave it another shot because I love her..but sometimes I question myself.."Do I really love her?"

The thing is, when I fall for a girl..I fall hard. I fell in love with Isha in less than a week. No it wasn't lust because in fact I was irritated by her and thought of her as another little fan girl that I just wanted to destroy. I realized my feelings after she left supposably to "AUSTRALIA" when it was "PHILLIPINES." I realized I miss her annoying self. Either way I shrugged it off.

But as time went on, she gave me a call in Phillipines. I didn't think I would start to like her again but I did, but I kept it shut and hidden. That day she told me she liked me & I knew she did. Finally I was able to tell her my true feelings as well. At first she didn't think I really meant it. But I did. A day later passed & I was the one who made the move & asked her to be mine. She said Yes..but kept questioning me what does "official" meant. In a way that made me feel insecure..and unsure about her.

Well anyways, enough of that..we are good right now. She makes me happy but suddenly a past of mine..have disrupted my feelings & is slowly sinking into my heart.

David.

I never really liked a boy. As you can see, it was always about a girl that I liked. A girl I kissed. A girl I loved..but hes actually the first boy & the only boy who is able to twist that around. I remember I liked him when I was with Cori but I ignored it alot & pushed him away. I was always in denial during that time.

But now he came back. Everytime hes around me I get nervous. I never felt that way about a boy before..but I do with him. He always give me this feeling in my chest where I just want to tell him..I care..but is not able to..so instead I lash out my feelings the opposite. Call him names or just painly walk away from him. Im trying to control that part of me now..but its hard. I always liked him & I admit i still like him now. I dont know if its 'like' though because I dont even know what its like..to even 'like' a boy. All I know is that he does something to my heart all the time & my mind. Hes like this very angel that have came into my life....but I dare not to come near it..for Im afraid that my corruptedness will destroy him & sicken him. Thats why I stayed away because of who I really am. Because of my past. Because... Im not pure & Im not the good-christian like he is. God would be angry at David if he was to ever fall for a girl like me but then again..why would he anyways? There is nothing about me that is special..

I hate these feelings I really do. I dont want to mix my feelings up with Isha..i dont want to worry her...but I cant help to admit that everytime hes around me.. I just want to die..because..he makes me want to change..hes so insanley....I dont know. He does something to me that nobody has ever done before. NOONE because NOT EVEN A GIRL CAN MATCH UP TO HIM..because they are girls..and hes a boy. And cause of the fact a BOY..like him is able to do this to me..its very rare. I never imagine myself with a guy or married to a guy..but when Im with him..or even look at him..I can see it. I dont know..I wonder what God is doing to me. Why would he bring him into my life at this moment ..at this moment when its too late for me now..its too late.

I like him & I really missed him..but I have Isha..and its forbidden for me to ever settle my heart on him..because I can never have him..a precious boy like him..he deserves alot more than this..